Tell Me Who Your Friend Is, and I Will Tell You Who You Are

12 Aug 2025

Even the most devout impersonalist will, sooner or later, find himself in the company of another devout impersonalist. Personalism cannot be separated from the nature of the soul, and so we are naturally social beings.
Birds of the same feather flock together, as, directed by the Supersoul, we are drawn to each other according to our consciousness.

It is due to our association that we become polluted or purified, and our character improves or becomes corrupted. Srila Prabhupada started his ISKCON, a society with pure spiritual motives, in order to give us better association, and he himself demonstrated a discriminating way of associating with others according to their inclination to act devotionally or not devotionally.

It is here that we have to painfully part from our old “friends”, and it is here that we may get new friends again. It is here we unite with others, and it is here we “divorce” from others. Association is very essential. There is a heart-based association, and there is also an association imposed upon us by the very fact that we are born in this world of cheaters and the cheated. One we have to embrace; the other we have to occasionally tolerate.

A real devotee is indifferent to insult or praise, but he is not indifferent when Srila Prabhupada is insulted or used by materialistic individuals.
A devotee is judged by his sense of judgement and by the consequent association.

This was most painfully demonstrated to Arjuna, who found himself unwillingly standing on the battlefield of Kurukshetra, seeing even his old friends and superiors standing on the other side, ready to fight and kill him. No wonder he became emotionally compromised, as such a sight is most painful.

In our own small ways, we may also face similar situations where we find old friends changing into compromised individuals due to unnecessarily accumulated “knowledge” concerning the brahminical class—“smart ones” who decided to know more than is meant to be known—and those compromised by fame and money. Sometimes, even one member of the opposite sex can change our lives instantly, as men tend to fight over women and women tend to fight over men.

In this world, it is easy to lose a friend, but it is not easy to gain one. Opportunistic flatterers may come in plenty according to the social position we occupy. But a real friend is not concerned with one's monetary or social status; he doesn’t care for the designations we may carry. He is attracted by the heart and by the purpose of sharing one’s heartfelt ideals. Srila Prabhupada expected us to unite on the level of the spiritual ideals he established in our hearts, and not for any other purpose.

As we see, even in the history of ISKCON, any other unification attempts are doomed to fail. Any sentimental idea of empathy or unity is doomed to perish, as under the dictate of material energy, once again, friends turn into foes. No wonder we get frustrated.

Again and again, looking at the example of Srila Prabhupada entering the Western world, sailing alone on a ship to a place where he had no real friends except for the family accommodating him in the first place—who was there to help? A friend is recognised in times of need. Not one single godbrother helped him; no help from the institution he represented was offered. Seemingly alone, he stood in a country where nobody was interested in Krsna, the Supreme Lord.

But, like Arjuna, he knew that Krsna was present on his chariot, holding the reins of his horses, and he was confident that his spiritual master was showering blessings upon him because he had finally surrendered to his mission.
Whoever shared this understanding with him became his friend; whoever did not share this understanding or changed his initial idealism into opportunism became, in his own words, “a rascal”. Indeed, Srila Prabhupada used this word very often, not caring for the praise or remuneration of “fools and rascals”.

Was he “arrogant”? No. He simply wasn’t ready to become compromised by the material expectations of others, however pious they might have been. Naturally, in such a situation, one doesn’t find too many real friends, as even not every worshipper of oneself may be a friend. This was demonstrated even by some of his closest disciples who, when given the chance, started to act in selfish ways. Some even turned out to have clearly demoniac purposes, using the devotional mentality of others to exercise control. Changing from preachers to manipulators, their desire to rule over others became evident, and Srila Prabhupada, for the sake of spreading the mission of his guru, sometimes had to keep his enemies closer than his friends.

But time revealed who was who, as his real friends and followers naturally distanced themselves from those who had material intentions.

So, indeed, it is our friends who define our identity, as we ultimately unite on the level of consciousness. To speak nicely while, behind the walls of the room in which one is lecturing, a child gets molested or the dependent ones get exploited is hypocrisy. Such a lecture, regardless of how eloquent it may be, is instantly compromised, and so is the speaker, as he consciously facilitates violence in order to preach non-violence. This contradictory type of behaviour naturally gets exposed by the passage of time. The truth will always surface, just as it happened on the battlefield of Kurukshetra.

Nature’s laws are neither liberal nor democratic; they are uncompromising. And so, seeing one’s friend affiliated in a friendly manner with a criminal naturally creates a painful situation where, if we are unable to clarify the circumstances that brought him into such a situation, we will have to distance ourselves. Silence can be the greatest form of violence.

What choice do we have? As Srila Prabhupada tells the story of a pious, hungry brahmana who mercifully accepted the association of a non-vegetarian Muslim, only to end up complaining: “Oh, no! Now I have become polluted, and I am still hungry!”

Indeed, compromising one’s ideals never satisfies. Therefore, Srila Prabhupada stressed, “From good association comes good results. From bad association comes bad results.”

Academic merits do not change this fact; rather, they are of an illusory nature, as “academically educated demons” are more deceiving than simple fools. A snake with a jewel on its head is more dangerous than one without such paraphernalia.

And so, we have to be aware of who our friends really are—certainly tolerating their recognised and admitted weaknesses, just as we have to tolerate our own. But we should always be aware of their intentions, which time will reveal. Money and fame are good indicators of how a person can change.

Those who are truly pure in heart do not change. Srila Prabhupada never changed—always transparent and always ready to recognise even the smallest service of a struggling conditioned soul. This awareness of detail, while simultaneously managing the “big picture”, is one of Srila Prabhupada’s unique qualities, among many others.

When he saw someone truly surrendering their life to the service of the Lord, Srila Prabhupada instantly became their friend and simultaneously their guide. (This was another of his amazing qualities, as a friend and a guide do not have to be identical.) When he saw someone becoming averse to the ideals of devotional life and acting selfishly, Srila Prabhupada was ready to disassociate himself from such a person, even if they were his own disciple.

So, which side of the Kurukshetra battlefield are we standing on?
That is the ultimate question.